Most often I ask myself - "Why did I loose this?" , .....blank ...blank....No answer.. When I put that in front my Mom or my friends with grief they say, "To get better things life, you will have to loose something which you already have". I feel that they say this to make me happy with what I have got with me for that moment, or to bring a ray of hope in mind about beautiful things lined up for me in future.
I sometimes do not do new things with the fear of loosing my favorite old ones. But, it is really heart breaking to know that, one day I have lost all of them just like that....I din even realize when. Now, neither do I have my comfortable old ones nor "wanted to try but didn't" new ones.
I never stayed at one single place since my childhood. I got many good friends at each place I lived and I lost them each time I moved to a different place. We have numerous ways of keeping in touch with our friends. But, till now they have found nothing which makes us feel that we are with our friends when ever we want. Suppose I did something really exciting, and I want to share it with a friend who is back in India at this very moment. I first have to look at clock and make sure that she is not sleeping before calling her!! I will be able to talk to her if - phone lines are in favor of me, if her phone is not running out of battery, if she has not kept her phone in silent mode, if she is not busy talking to others, if she is not traveling, oops...Most important thing, if she is within the network coverage area... If she has not forgotten where she has kept her phone...etc etc etc.
But, if I was with her or at least near by her, I could have ran over to her any moment to tell anything. :(
Till today, I had to move around to lot of new places leaving many friends and other favorite things behind...It hurt me. But, the communication ways defined by humn beings made me not to think about them for long.
But , something like what I am going to write about now, are lost for ever!!! I had my favorite rail tracks in Kadur(place where we live in Karnataka) , which I used cross while running behind my Dad everyday, when he is going work. I could easily get down and cross the tracks. I was too very young to know what will happen to me if a train come over. But, we moved out of that place very soon as Mom realized she cannot follow me every time I run towards the tracks. And, when I was 10, I was in hostel. I was so far from home that I have to take a bus for 3 hours to reach the tracks... :(
I had my favorite open place near my house where me and my brother used play(mostly fight.. :)) , where I learnt to ride a Bicycle.. But, when I came back from hostel on vacation... I see a big house covering all the free open space we had for playing. :(
I had preserved my favorite books from LKG and UKG. My mother kept them under the cot in the bed room. One day during my engineering just wanted to look at them for refreshing my childhood memories, so I asked Mom where they are as I could not find them under the cot. Mom said she had throw them when she found them all dirtied by our Cat "Ammu". :(
I had my favorite Denim skirt which I had to stop wearing as I grew taller and bigger. I preserved them in my small suitcase. Some day, I was watching the kids playing outside my house. I pointed out one girl and said to my Mom, "hey look Mom...She is wearing same skirt as mine." My excitement soon vanished when she said it was my skirt what she was wearing. Mom gave it to that kid because she looked cute in that. :( Writing about this reminds me that I should buy a new denim skirt soon as I never bought a new denim skirt, after that.
.......... These are only small things from childhood. But, there are so many things in life we come across and want to preserve all of them , want to hold all of them with us without even thinking that they are not always ours and we loose most of the things before even realizing that they are completely ours.
Now, I say to myself, "Hey - learn to be happy with what you have now and be grateful that you could enjoy what you lost at least for some days......... and most importanty - Smile...always... " :))
Most importantly as I grew up, I have lost few things from myself like my innocence, power of trusting anybody easily, smiling at anyone you like, power of expressing aloud everything that comes to my mind, dare to do any stupid thing I like to do ....... etc etc....
I feel bad that I cannot be myself at every place and with any person.
Why do I have to loose all these precious things which I had when I was born?
9 comments:
This is to answer your last question. Though I know there is no real answer, and this question always remains, however we justify it. But as you already answered your question in the blog, we cannot hold on to things for long, even if we want to. Dont know why, may be just to remain free and open to the new things that wait for us. But attachment closes all doors, and thats why, when we realize that no matter how much we try, we may loose them, we should just let things happen the way they do.
Nilie
Good one Pretty Woman...Do you actually know why I call you by this name...because sweetie you are a very very Pretty girl from both outside and inside...
5 mnths which I have spent with you sharing a room in PG, I've found a wonderful friend...Thanks for everything and always be in touch...I don't wanna loose our friendship...For other stuff I can just say whatever comes to you accept it and whatever goes away just let it go, set it free, you never know when it may come back to you...Maybe one day on your b'day/marriage you mother may give you one of her/yours favourite childhood stuff which had been very close to her/your heart...One day u'll know not everything/everyone leaves you permanently...always let them go in a hope that they will return one day!When they do, accept them as if they never went...Its not only the things we possess but also the human beings..friends, loved ones, relatives...it could be anyone'.Keep smiling b'coz you look beautiful when you smile...:)
Shveta
:) Thanks Shevta. but, you know it right? I never actually meant that, when ever I called you....B#$%^ ... he he he he ...
Sometimes I think we understand the value of the certain things only when they are lost.thats why all the things dont last for ever.
And the other factor is the age. Would you be still running on the railway tracks even now? I guess not.Cretain things are ment for certain age(there r exceptions).So I guess thats why we cant have certain things forever.As they say "Change is the only constant thing" But I wish god had given an erasing system also some things are so painful even to have them in your memory.sign.Life is like that!
-Luv Vicks.
hmm...well thats quite a retrospection.Memories defintely are a welcome baggage to carry around.From Udipi to US has been quite a journey for you.
I guess in the journey of life, one needs to be careful not to drop the memories as you never know when you may need the support of the people residing in the memories.
Nagu
Reading this blog-post of yours has made me nostalgic.
This is the same question i ask myself most often.
And the answer I give myself always is that: "Whatever happens , it's for the good!".
I haven't been very convinced with this answer, but that's all I have got.
Just one thought "Life is a game and we are sent to play and experience it". So don't get depressed about not so good things which happen to us rather plan for good moments and work in making them come true.
- Aruna
every where u r getting some good and looseing some good, so u r in netural state... don't think too much.. :)
I have a Comment for u friend,
As said in Gita( Sacrad Book of Hindu Religion),
you brought(own) nothing, you have lost nothing, yesterday it was some ones, today it is yours, tomorow some one else.
Changes is the only thing that is stable in this planet...
Bhagavad Gita.
Dear Friend it hapens with every one, not only for u " There is no place without death.... " Buddha. I ahve forgot the book title.
Hope u agree with this.
Badri
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